Eye contact is my mortal enemy. I also face (no pun intended) a big contradiction when it comes to how I feel about making eye contact when I am speaking versus when I am listening. It is perhaps fittingly ironic due to recent events that the contradiction seems to arise from the differences in how I perceive others compared to how I think others perceive me.
The short version is that I am reluctant to make eye contact with my audience when speaking because they will somehow see something bad in them. I'm not really sure what I'm so concerned about that they might see. Perhaps it's a lack of enthusiasm, which might be real because I am intrinsically enthusiastic about so few things. Perhaps they'll think I'm hiding something, which may also be true because I'm always hiding something. To be honest, whenever I talk to someone, I'm thinking about other things at the same time. Sometimes my thoughts run parallel thinking about topics tangentially related to the actual conversation or I might be thinking about how my moral relativism leaves me on a slippery slope or I might be thinking that I'm really bored by the people I'm talking to and need to figure a way to end the conversation as quickly as possible. Perhaps my audience will see in me all the things I see in me, most of which aren't that great. They'll see every doubt, every piece of contrary evidence, past failures, and every poor decision I have ever made. In my head, I know they can't see any of this. They can't see the doubt, boredom, or insecurity. But maybe, just maybe they can, so I avoid it.
When listening to people, I avoid eye contact because I generally don't believe it will help me take in their message any better. I understand that eye contact at the socially prescribed levels conveys a sense of engagement to the speaker, but I can be perfectly engaged and not look at someone's eyes or at least not look at them 50% of the time. All the things that I fear other people will read into my eyes when I speak, I can figure out without looking at someone's eyes half the time. It's an odd contradiction, but there it is. For me, since I am not accustomed to looking people in the eye the socially recommended amount, it takes concerted effort on my part. That is effort that cannot go towards processing their words and tones and thinking about what their saying while listening to it at the same time. I can look at a person's eyes and face and body language when it is necessary, but the difference between necessary and socially acceptable is quite large.
Perhaps the contradiction isn't so great. It may be a matter of scale. I don't avoid eye contact at all costs, but I don't engage in it very often. I look at peoples' eyes only enough for my sake, not for theirs. I will look at someone's eyes to get the information I need from them or I may even look people in the eyes to make sure they understand what I am saying. But I will not look people in the eye half the time or more just because it is the socially proper thing to do. I am told that making eye contact is an honest gesture. Well, I'm an honest person and an attentive conversation partner should be able to pick that up. I shouldn't have to stare them down until they figure it out. Once again, my arrogance has been mistaken for apathy. Excellent.
In the end, the most likely explanation for why I avoid eye contact is because it's an acquired skill that I have not acquired. To me, eye contact in nature conjures up images of staring and hostility. It's not a natural thing for people to do during a conversation. It's an elaborate song and dance meant to convey honesty and attentiveness and sincerity because people don't know how to simply be those things and don't know when others have those qualities. Eye contact is not natural for me and I suspect it's not a natural skill for most people. I know I need to work on it and I will, but only grudgingly.
2 comments:
Oh, wow, this post deserves a number of comments, but I will focus on just one for now.
Why do eye contact for you? To what purpose? To what end?
You need to do eye contact for you and when you do so you will have done eye contact for your audience. Eye contact for you should consist of you looking at the person fairly intently when they first speak to you, then you can look back and forth. Eye contact for you should also consist of you looking at the person fairly intently when you first speak to them and whenever you are making a strong point, conclusion or command. No staring.
When you add this all up, the amount of clock time that you have eye contact with the other party(s) is usually far less than 50%. Set no arbitrary limits. Make eye contact quality time and often.
Why? You will become both a more effective speaker and a more effective listener.
How do I know? It is that 35 years in Toastmasters -- about our age difference, fancy that.
I know I need to work on making eye contact when communicating with people. It will certainly make me a more effective speaker, if only because it can be a tool for building a connection with my audience and emphasizing key points. My gripe is that an intelligent audience shouldn't need to have those things spelled out for them. As for enhancing my listening skills, looking at people is distracting and tends to make me hear only their words. It takes away from my ability to parse out the purpose of their message.
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