image management

I had a very interesting experience in Denver this week. The end result of my time there was not the desired outcome I sought and something I think most people would consider to be pretty bad. Since that sounds somewhat ominous, before I go any further, I should say that I still have a job. As the secret eternal optimist that I am, I have decided to spin my experience into one of learning.

The principle purpose of my trip to Denver was for an internal control (or vetting) process to check a variety of items like presentation and speaking skills, technical knowledge, understanding of safety standards, finance, and other relevant topics. I did not pass. It was not due to my lack of knowledge (though that could have been better), but principally due to my attitude, or my perceived attitude, and behavior. Woe is me for I am so misunderstood! Or maybe I'm just a jerk. But probably not the latter. Or the former. Perhaps like most things, reality lies somewhere in the middle.

For example, my eye contact or lack thereof was one of the specific items cited. I think anyone who has spent a significant amount of time with me knows, or will now think about all their interactions with me in a different light after reading this, that I am not big on eye contact. I rarely look people in the eyes ever. It doesn't matter if I'm doing the listening or the talking. I just don't feel a compelling need to look people in the eye. I understand the significance most people attach to eye contact and I've been trying to figure out why I apparently find it less important and of course I have some theories.

To me, looking someone in the eye to indicate that I am listening to them doesn't actually make me pay attention any better. I understand that it lets the speaker know that I'm listening and that conveys respect for what he or she is saying which raises their esteem for me because I am pretending to find what they have to say deeply fascinating. (Ah, sarcasm is always so close by.) However, looking at someone's eyes is distracting. It allows for the speaker to convey non-verbal messages through facial and eye expressions that could warp the message I am receiving when I want their words and words alone. If I wanted to let their eyes potentially lie to me, then I would look at their eyes. Looking away while listening make sit easier to think simultaneously because I don't need to distract myself with darting eyeballs.

In much the same vein, I don't look people in the eyes when I talk to them. I suspect part of it is my reluctance to allow others to see inside me and realize that I have no soul since I traded it for a donut several years ago.

There were a variety of other specifics cited, but I think the eye contact is easy to understand and illustrate. All in all, it provided a very interesting lesson in image management.